“Attraction” sounds like one simple thinglike a magnet, but with better hair. In real life, it’s more like a
playlist: you can have multiple tracks playing at once, skip some entirely, and still be 100% valid.
You might feel drawn to someone’s mind, their vibe, their face, their laugh, their kindness, or their shoulders
(no judgmentcollarbones have fans).
The point of learning attraction terms isn’t to force you into a label or turn dating into a multiple-choice exam.
It’s to give you languageso you can understand yourself, communicate clearly, and avoid confusing
“I want to be your best friend forever” with “I want to plan a wedding on Pinterest tonight.”
Attraction 101: Why it’s not “one size fits all”
Attraction can include emotional, romantic, sexual, aesthetic, intellectual, and other kinds of “pull.”
These feelings can overlapor show up separately. Some people experience strong romantic attraction with little
or no sexual attraction. Others experience sexual attraction without romantic interest. Some feel intense
closeness that doesn’t neatly fit either box.
Also: attraction isn’t the same as behavior. You can feel sexual attraction and choose not to act on it.
You can have a relationship without feeling attraction the way other people describe it. And your patterns can
change over time, across life stages, or depending on trust, context, and stress (because nothing kills a vibe
like an overdue bill).
The “split attraction” idea in plain English
A helpful framework many people use is the split attraction model, which separates romantic
attraction from sexual attraction. It’s especially useful for folks on the asexual or aromantic spectrums, but
anyone can find it clarifying.
Example: You might be biromantic (romantically drawn to more than one gender) and also asexual
(experiencing little to no sexual attraction). Or you might be aromantic and allosexual
(you feel sexual attraction, but not romantic attraction). The goal isn’t to collect labels like Pokémon cards
it’s to find words that reduce confusion.
How to use these terms (without overthinking yourself into a nap)
- Use terms as tools. Keep what helps; leave what doesn’t.
- Start with feelings, not labels. “I feel emotionally close to you” can be more useful than a label on day one.
- Be specific about boundaries. Attraction doesn’t equal consent, and consent doesn’t require attraction.
- Expect nuance. You can be “mostly” something, “sometimes” something, or “it depends” something.
The different types of attraction (the feelings themselves)
Here are the common “channels” attraction can travel through. You can experience one, several, or noneand still
have meaningful connections and relationships.
1) Sexual attraction
The feeling of wanting sexual contact with someone (or finding them sexually appealing). This is about attraction,
not necessarily action.
2) Romantic attraction
The desire for romantic connectiondating, partnership, “this could be my person” energyoften tied to emotional
intimacy and bonding.
3) Platonic attraction
The pull toward friendship and non-romantic closeness. It’s the “I want to know you, trust you, and be in your
corner” feeling.
4) Aesthetic attraction
Appreciating someone’s appearance or style in a way that’s not necessarily sexual or romantic. Think: “They’re
gorgeous,” the way you might admire a sunsetexcept the sunset can’t text you “wyd.”
5) Sensual attraction
Wanting physical closeness that isn’t inherently sexualhugging, cuddling, holding hands, leaning your shoulder
on them during a movie.
6) Physical attraction
Being drawn to someone’s body or presenceoften overlapping with sexual attraction, but not always. Some people
use this term to describe “chemistry” or a strong pull toward touch/physicality.
7) Emotional attraction
Feeling pulled toward someone’s emotional worldwanting to share, confide, and be emotionally close. It can show
up in friendships, romantic relationships, and everything in between.
8) Intellectual attraction
Attraction to someone’s mindhow they think, talk, create, debate, or explain things. (Yes, you can absolutely
have a crush on a brain.)
9) Alterous attraction
Attraction that sits somewhere between platonic and romanticstrong emotional closeness that doesn’t neatly fit
either category, and may or may not include typical “romance” expectations.
37 attraction-related terms to know (a practical glossary)
Below are 37 terms people commonly use to describe how attraction works for them. You do not need to
memorize these. Think of this as a menu: skim, bookmark the ones that spark recognition, and ignore the rest.
Attraction “types” and patterns
- Sexual attraction: Feeling drawn to someone sexually; desire for sexual contact.
- Romantic attraction: Desire for romantic intimacy, dating, partnership, “couple” connection.
- Platonic attraction: Desire for friendship and non-romantic closeness.
- Aesthetic attraction: Admiring someone’s appearance/style without necessarily wanting romance or sex.
- Sensual attraction: Wanting non-sexual touch and physical closeness (cuddling, hand-holding).
- Physical attraction: A strong pull toward someone’s body/presence; can overlap with sexual attraction.
- Emotional attraction: Wanting emotional intimacy and closeness; feeling “safe” and connected.
- Intellectual attraction: Being drawn to someone’s ideas, mind, or conversation.
- Alterous attraction: A “between” attraction that’s not fully platonic or romantic.
- Primary attraction: Attraction that happens quickly, often based on first impressions (looks, vibe).
- Secondary attraction: Attraction that develops after knowing someone (trust, personality, connection).
- Tertiary attraction: A broad label for attraction types beyond sexual/romantic (like aesthetic or intellectual).
- Crush: A strong feeling of attraction (often romantic and/or sexual), usually with a “butterflies” quality.
- Squish: A “platonic crush”strong desire to be close friends or emotionally close without romance.
- Limerence: Intense infatuation/obsessive yearningoften more about longing and fantasy than real compatibility.
Relationship structures and social concepts that affect attraction
- Queerplatonic relationship (QPR): A deeply committed relationship that isn’t defined as romantic, often more intense than typical friendship.
- Platonic partnership: A committed, partnership-style bond without romance (can overlap with QPR language).
- Polyamory: Having (or being open to) multiple consensual, ethically non-monogamous relationships.
- Monogamy: Choosing exclusivity with one partner (by agreement), romantically and/or sexually.
- Amatonormativity: The cultural assumption that everyone wants (and should prioritize) a romantic, monogamous partnership.
Sexual attraction spectrum terms
- Asexual (ace): Experiencing little to no sexual attraction; can still desire romance, closeness, or sex depending on the person.
- Allosexual: Experiencing sexual attraction (a broad “not asexual” umbrella term).
- Graysexual (grey-ace): Experiencing sexual attraction rarely, weakly, or only under specific conditions.
- Demisexual: Sexual attraction tends to appear only after a strong emotional bond forms.
- Fraysexual: Sexual attraction may be stronger toward strangers/new connections and fade as emotional intimacy grows.
- Lithsexual (akiosexual): Feeling sexual attraction but not wanting it returned, or losing interest if it’s reciprocated.
- Cupiosexual: Not experiencing sexual attraction, but still wanting sexual connection/experience for personal reasons.
- Reciprosexual: Sexual attraction that tends to appear only after learning someone is sexually attracted to you.
Romantic attraction spectrum terms
- Aromantic (aro): Experiencing little to no romantic attraction; may still want relationships, closeness, or sex.
- Alloromantic: Experiencing romantic attraction (a broad “not aromantic” umbrella term).
- Grayromantic: Experiencing romantic attraction rarely, weakly, or under specific circumstances.
- Demiromantic: Romantic attraction tends to appear only after a strong emotional bond forms.
- Lithromantic: Feeling romantic attraction but not wanting it reciprocated, or losing interest when it is.
- Cupioromantic: Not experiencing romantic attraction, but still wanting a romantic relationship or romantic-coded partnership.
- Reciproromantic: Romantic attraction that tends to appear only after knowing someone is romantically interested in you.
- Biromantic: Romantic attraction to more than one gender (romantic orientation, not necessarily sexual orientation).
Framework term that ties it together
- Split attraction model (SAM): A framework that separates romantic attraction from sexual attraction so they can be described independently.
Putting the terms into real-life examples
Example 1: “They’re hot, but I don’t want to date them.”
You might be feeling sexual attraction or physical attraction without
romantic attraction. That’s not “broken.” It’s just a specific pattern.
Example 2: “I want to be close, cuddle, and feel safeno sex.”
That can be sensual attraction and/or emotional attraction. For some people,
that’s their main “love language” of connection.
Example 3: “I don’t get crushes easily… until I really know someone.”
That might resonate with secondary attraction, demisexual, demiromantic,
or simply being cautious and trust-based. Labels are optional; clarity is the prize.
How to talk about attraction with a partner (without starting World War III)
- Name the feeling: “I feel emotionally close to you,” “I’m aesthetically attracted to you,” or “I’m not feeling romantic attraction right now.”
- Ask about needs: “What kind of closeness feels good to youtalking, touch, dates, sex, quality time?”
- Separate feelings from promises: Attraction can shift; agreements can still be respected.
- Keep consent explicit: Nobody owes anyone access to their body, time, or emotional labor.
Common experiences people describe (500+ words of relatable real-life “aha” moments)
If you’ve ever thought, “Why don’t I feel attraction the way everyone else seems to?”welcome to the club.
The membership card is imaginary, but the confusion is extremely real. Here are some common experiences people
report when they start learning the language of attraction. If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone,
and you’re not “doing relationships wrong.”
1) The “movie-poster moment” (aesthetic attraction). You see someone across a room and your brain
goes, “Wow.” Not “I want to date them,” and not “I want to sleep with them,” but more like you want to stare
respectfully the way you’d admire a perfectly frosted cake. Some people feel this strongly with fashion, hair,
or the way someone moves. It can be powerfuland it can also be totally non-sexual.
2) The “I want to hold hands but not do anything else” moment (sensual attraction). Plenty of
folks crave closenesscuddling, leaning on a shoulder, being wrapped up in a blanket burrito togetherwithout
wanting sexual contact. For some people, sensual touch is calming and bonding. For others, it’s only comfortable
with certain people or in certain moods. Either way, it’s a valid kind of desire that doesn’t have to “level up”
into sex to count.
3) The “I’m obsessed with their brain” moment (intellectual attraction). Maybe you meet someone
at work who explains a complicated problem and you’re suddenly like: “Please keep talking forever.” Or you hear
someone at a book club connect ideas in a way that lights your mind up. Intellectual attraction can feel like
admiration plus curiosity plus “I need more of that energy.” Sometimes it turns romantic or sexual; sometimes
it stays right where it ison the mental dance floor.
4) The “friend-crush” moment (squish/platonic attraction). You want to text them all the time.
You want to share inside jokes, send memes, and build a real bondbut romance isn’t the goal. People sometimes
misread this feeling (especially in a culture that treats romance as the top prize), so having language for
platonic closeness can reduce awkward misunderstandings. “I really like you as a person” is not a crime.
5) The “I want something deep that isn’t romance” moment (alterous/QPR). Some people crave a
partnership-like connection that doesn’t feel romantic, but also doesn’t fit the usual “just friends” box.
They may want commitment, emotional intimacy, shared routines, maybe even living togetherwithout romantic
labeling. That’s where terms like alterous attraction and queerplatonic relationships can feel like a relief:
not a new rulebook, just a description that finally matches the feeling.
6) The “my attraction is conditional” moment (demi/gray experiences). Some people rarely feel
sexual attraction at first sight. Some people don’t feel romantic attraction until trust is deep. Some feel it
occasionally and unpredictably. When you stop assuming everyone experiences attraction the same way, a lot of
self-doubt melts. You don’t have to “force chemistry.” You can honor your pace, your boundaries, and your
patternsespecially if your nervous system is basically a “trust first, feelings later” kind of system.
The biggest takeaway from all these experiences is simple: attraction can be layered, situational, and personal.
Learning the terms isn’t about building a stronger labelit’s about building a clearer understanding of what you
actually feel, so you can choose relationships that fit you (instead of squeezing yourself into relationships
that don’t).
Conclusion: You don’t need a labeljust clarity
Attraction is complex because humans are complex. The “right” terms are the ones that make you feel seen,
understood, and able to communicate. If none of them fit? That’s allowed too. You can still build honest,
respectful, fulfilling relationships with the language you already have.
